Wednesday, February 29, 2012

So what do lesbians REALLY do in bed?

So what do lesbians REALLY do in bed?

Admit it. You’ve wondered. What do lesbians REALLY do in bed? You want to ask, but you don’t want to sound like an ass. Well, you don’t have to worry, because I’m going to tell you what we REALLY do.

There are some things you need to know about lesbians first. We’re not hot people. We’re emotional, and we like sex to be tepid. It has to be tepid, because there are no penises around.

It goes something like this: First, we talk about how we feel about our day. Then we talk about how we’re subsequently feeling about ourselves. Then we talk about our relationship, and then the strength of our relationship. Then we talk about how we feel about our partner’s feelings. Then we gaze into each other’s eyes and we hold hands.

We might put on some folk music and burn some incense or dried sage to align our spiritual entities. Then we gaze into each others eyes some more. Things are getting warm now. The eye gazing is foreplay, stage two. Talking about our feelings was foreplay stage one. Often lesbians get stuck on stage one and get a great deal of sexual satisfaction from talking about our feelings. For some lesbians, that is all the sex we need.

If the eye gazing and hand holding goes well, we might hold each other under the blankets with our tops off. We might kiss, but not with tongue. That’s stage 17 and almost never happens. Remember, despite popular belief (and porn movies) lesbians don’t like hot sex. It’s got to be tepid. There are no penises around, so it’s logistically impossible to really get into.

Stage five involves acknowledging and mourning the lack of penis in the relationship. The lesbian with the shorter hair is required to mourn her inability to really be the “man” in the relationship. This causes feelings of inadequacy, and often takes lesbians back to stage one. Sometimes, it can lead to discussions of the men in the lesbian couple’s lives. Fantasies about having sex with those men take the couple beyond “tepid” into “almost warm”.

After stage five, the lesbians are becoming enthusiastic, but they need to stay focused here. Any mention of IKEA or any home and garden store can quickly change the enthusiasm for each other into enthusiasm for that exciting home project on the go. Be cautious! Lesbians need to be strong now, and acknowledge that sex without a penis CAN be as rewarding as putting down new flooring.

If the lesbians are still on track, then this is a VERY good month. The stars and planets must be aligning. Foreplay is over. Here is what you have come for; the real truth. The ladies are all warmed up and looking deep into each other’s eyes. They’re good and tepid. There is folk music playing in the background. The lighting is soft. And they’ve good and talked about their feelings. They feel good about their feelings. And they’re trying not to think about taking out the recycling.

At this stage, we disrobe methodically. And it gets interesting. Let me remind you, there is no penis here today. So how DO we get that final sense of satisfaction that is the ultimate goal of any intimate relationship? How?

We start at the opposite ends of the room, or a long hallway. We stare intensely at each other from across the room. There is a greased slip and slide on the ground between us.

When the moment is right, we spring forward and race towards each other like hot gay lionesses. And then we slide towards each other on the slip and slide, like a ball player into first base, each of us, and crash into each other, and we lock legs. We tickle each other’s feet, and roll around on the floor. We don’t scream. We whisper sweet nothings.

Often, we fall asleep there, on the slip and slide, just like that, and when we wake, we are refreshed.

Tepidly yours,

ps. I wrote this thinking that it would be REALLY obvious that this is NOT what we do, but in fact, I was wrong. So please know, this is NOT what we do!! :)  And if you still really need to know what we do, then use your imagination (you know you want to!). Someone put it really well to me the other day.. There is no *one* way we do it. If there was only *one* way hetero folks do it, then it's probably pretty crummy sex.. just saying. Also of note.. anything that men can do, we can buy bigger, and with more features!! :D

There is one part of my story I particularly want to note as untrue. We do NOT long for men. We are lesbians because we long for WOMEN. So please do not think that is true. I wrote it as a satire because it should be blatantly obvious that it is NOT true. Sorry to disappoint you excitable men! :D

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  1. Hahaha! Silly. I know what lesbian sex is like. You wouldn't be able to write about it without an X rating on your blog though. ;)

  2. Pinwheelsandpoppies, youre so right. Really I could make millions by writing what ACTUALLY happens. :D

  3. Hahahahaha. You make me laugh, Kell! Where ya been? I love this. So funny. (I thought you were serious until I read Karin's comment.) ;-)

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